


Instrument of Grace

by KJGooding



Series: Post-Canon Trill Revival [2]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: F/F, F/M, Gen, Self-Discovery, Trill Worldbuilding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-18
Updated: 2019-01-18
Packaged: 2019-10-12 08:10:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17463803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KJGooding/pseuds/KJGooding
Summary: Before Ezri and Dax separate, Ezri needs to know what identity she will be returning to when she wakes up.  She seeks help from a variety of methods - Cardassian, Betazoid, Vulcan - until she realizes only one entity can show her the past and the future in the same instant.She needs help from the Emissary of the Prophets, her old friend.





	Instrument of Grace

Only hours before her scheduled surgery at the well-equipped medical center in Cardassia City, Ezri was detained by a trio of poachers, who intended to conduct a similar surgery outside in the dirt and darkness.

Fortunately, Elim and Kelas used the bedroom adjacent to hers, and Elim slept for only a couple of hours on his best nights.  This was one of his worst; the poachers were needlessly loud and flashy in their execution, and it took a long argument with Julian to decide their fate.  Elim worked out their intentions without vocalizing a question - they intended to remove Dax and return it to Commissioner Ibic, who would ensure, under some alibi or another, that it was destroyed.  Rather than leaving Ezri and Dax to wither and die together, Ibic intended to put a permanent end to Dax’s deviations from custom. 

Despite the sudden queasiness that overcame Ezri, she supported Julian’s idea: the poachers would be sent to the station for Kira to continue questioning, under the protections of her government.  Understandably, New-Cardassian politics had yet to touch on the issue of legalizing interrogation, and Elim decided to utilize some of his other old skills, instead, while Julian remarked appreciatively at the protective streak Ezri seemed to have earned from Elim.

“I know how it feels to be exiled,” Elim insisted, pointedly tying the restraints on one of the poacher’s wrists as he spoke.  “To watch your planet deteriorate while you sit by, feeling _helpless_.”

The Trill man groaned into the thick fabric gag Elim had tied some minutes ago, and Elim showed emotional progress by hesitating for a moment before smiling.  But he was turned specifically toward Ezri - not toward the man he was forcing suffering on - so perhaps his intentions were more pure than they had been, in past years.

“But fortunately, in your case, the location of your sentence was not determined by your presiding planetary authority,” Elim went on. “You, my dear, still have a very important piece of your freedom.”

Ezri knew what she had to do - and she did not like it - but she urged Dax to call on what it remembered of her as Ezri Tigan, what it knew from the single instant they were in contact _before_ its tired symbiotic nerves became conjoined with hers, weak and untrained but willing to try.  There was a moment there before they were forged together, where Dax could dip proverbial feelers into Ezri’s personal memories, before consuming them and claiming them as its own, adding them to a perpetually unfinished stack of autobiographies.

So she did not Disjoin from her symbiont, despite Julian’s advice, tireless work on stabilizing the Vault, and scanned images of Dax’s increased production of tranexamic acid.  

“You aren’t meant to ingest that much of it over a prolonged period of time,” he insisted, pointing to a fuzzy cloud on the image he was holding up for Ezri to inspect, a few days after the poachers had been sent off on a Bajoran transport.  “It typically reduces bleeding in menstruating humans, I _know_ Trill tranexamic acid is slightly different on a molecular level, but it _still_ isn’t safe for you to maintain such high quantities--”

“I’ll tell Dax to stop,” she said, with a tone of sharp finality that would have earned teenage Ezri Tigan a slap from her mother.  “It’s not safe if I take it out and leave it here; it has better chances as a moving target.”

“So let me _move it_ ,” Julian snapped back.

As she grasped for Tigan’s memories, she found them attached to the end of a rope Julian was tugging on, much more strongly.  He was reluctant for her to distance herself, physically or emotionally, even though he knew they had planned for their entire family to peacefully separate - himself, Rali, Ezri, Dax…

“If you just want to keep Dax here in a fishtank, you’re as bad as Ibic,” Ezri said to him.

“Ezri,” he said, skeptically, “that’s _what it wants_!  You know that.  Look at its dye-prints!”

She furrowed her brow at that, and rather than continue the argument, she went to pack a suitcase for herself, making a point not to look at any of the dye-prints on the wall.  Elim placed them there, insisting it was best to hide one’s secrets in plain sight, in times like these. The prints seemed valuable to an entirely different crowd of people, when they were framed like ancient works of art rather than forbidden lab results.

The next morning, after Ezri slept alone in the bed she used to share - however uncomfortably - with Julian, she had calmed considerably, but her objective had not changed.

“Maybe,” she said, bouncing Rali on her knee and bargaining with her over a spoonful of soft-poached regova egg, “just maybe, I shouldn’t be Disjoining until I can remember who _I_ am, without Dax.  I mean… it’s going on five years, and I still write with the wrong hand and eat foods I don’t like and try to keep up a relationship with a man, no offense, and--  that would be traumatic for _me_ , just like the Joining was for Dax.  It suddenly didn’t know who it was, and it would leave _me_ without a clue, too, wouldn’t it?”

“That’s… reasonable,” Julian said, surprised but hiding his face behind his cup of tea, as he tipped it dramatically toward his lips.

“So I’ll take Elim’s advice--” Ezri framed it this way so Julian could not possibly be upset, “--and I’ll find the things I need to remember, so we can separate without an issue.  That’s the whole point of all the work we’ve put into this, Julian. Don’t ruin it now, when we’re this close.”

Despite his poor hearing, declining further with age, Elim rarely missed a repetition of his given name.  He appeared in the dining area to stand behind Julian, drumming his fingers thoughtfully over one of Julian’s shoulders.

“That station is not the worst place to spend one’s sentence,” Elim proposed.  "Its strategic location is _ideal_ , when one must coordinate interplanetary affairs."

Julian turned to glance over his shoulder, directly at the smug expression on Elim’s face.  Preemptively, Elim silenced him with a kiss.

“Thank you,” Ezri said, and that was the last they saw of her for weeks.

***

She returned to Deep Space Nine, where Kira was both surprised and relieved to see her, traveling alone without the Vault.  After several years of declining activity on the station, it was suddenly busy again, and Kira - even as she tried to look dignified and detached in her religious garb - seemed to enjoy every moment of it.  The quick, almost desperate pace appealed to her, as did supporting the oppressed.

"Is Dax on Cardassia?" she asked, as soon as she and Ezri were reunited on the docking ring.

"Hmm?" Ezri touched her stomach and then said, "oh, no.  No, I didn't go through with it. I didn’t want to tell you that over a channel, in case there was an issue..."

Years ago, Kira might have found a point to protest, but she stayed collected, now.

“Well, you and Dax will be safe here,” Kira promised.  “I sent the poachers to serve a term on Bajor - I don’t want to get your Commission involved any earlier than I have to.”

“You don’t trust Ibic?”

“If she won’t even listen to your perspective?  No,” Kira said firmly. “I bet she sent the poachers herself.”

“That’s What Garak said, too.”

Kira snorted, then gave Ezri’s arm a friendly pat.

“In this case, it’s probably _true_.”

Ezri managed a soft smile, and followed Kira along to the Promenade, where many of the abandoned shops had been modified into shrines.  Those closest to the existing Bajoran temple now served to expand it, with their former walls knocked down and replaced by billowing curtains cut from bright red and orange fabrics.  Dax shook at an increasing frequency as they approached the entrance to the temple, and Ezri had to consciously take in each breath, ensuring they were deep and steady.

Naturally, its memories of the place brought it a fear of death, leaving it quaking in Ezri's chest, tugging at its loose tether until she interceded, with greater force.  Dax responded well to the passion and bravery of its hosts, and Ezri would not let herself be an exception. If she wanted to go inside, _she_ would.

"I'll go in with you," Ezri affirmed.  "I trust you. I know I'm not alone."

Kira was patient with her, and took hold of her arm only after confirming she was ready.

They sat inside beneath fluttering curtains and a trail of scented incense, smoky and thin as it rose from the Emissary's designated shrine within the room.  Even though the two of them had barely spoken, Kira and Ezri seemed to share an understanding of each other.

"This is for _you_ ," Kira concluded.  "This is the place to come, when you want to find your way..."

She took Ezri's hand and brought it nearer to the singed herbs, hovering over it until Ezri could feel the faint heat touching her palm from beneath.  Dax had known Sisko for three lifetimes, and she focused on feeling his presence for herself, detached from Dax's impressions.

"Nerys?" she asked, hesitant even to whisper, "what am I looking for, here?"

Kira sighed audibly.

"I hope he'll tell you," she said.  "He knows you.”

"He knows you, too," Ezri offered, gently overturning Kira's hand within her own.

"It isn't the same," Kira said, and that was all.

Ezri was left alone - with only Dax - to finish her prayer.  She did not know what she was supposed to ask for, or who might hear her as the Vedek's departure signaled the room open to the public.  But she remained, sitting on a beaded cushion and willing Dax to be still, and she asked in a hoarse voice for guidance.

Several others had sat down beside her - she could hear the faint shuffling of cushions and curtains, even though the room was dimly lit - but she did not allow this to steal her confidence.  It was her own; Dax could feed on it, but no one could take it.

"Show me who I am," she said.

***

One of the individuals who sat down beside her that evening was Constable Ro Laren, a relatively recent convert to the religion who felt she had a great deal of catching up to do.  She rarely missed a communal prayer, and was never far from Vedek Kira's side.

She heard Ezri's plea and she respected it, to the point of providing her own contribution.

"I know another Starfleet counselor who might be able to help you," Ro offered this in a firm voice, leading Ezri to believe it was not negotiable.  "I used to feel... kind of that way, too. Like I didn't have my own identity, because all I was doing was trying to survive. I argued with everyone, even when they were trying to help."

Ezri took the admission like the rare treasure it was, and nodded kindly as Ro continued.

"Except Counselor Troi.  I couldn't argue with her; she was part Betazoid."

At this, Ezri laughed, ensuring her tone was kept congenial.  Ro did not seem offended, but she did glance up from her console more quickly than usual.

"What?" Ro asked.

"Oh, that's... it's funny, I used to know a Betazoid on New Sydney... we were about the same age... I thought she was beautiful," Ezri caught herself and redirected the thought, "Actually, I'm pretty sure she was the reason I went into counseling..."

The next time Ezri went to the shrine, Ro accompanied her.  They sat down side by side in the darkness, and Ro led the recitations.  Ezri admired the hard-won candor in her voice, the deep, confident bellow that accompanied words she did not use often, words that were vital to her identity, now.

Inspired by this, Ezri continued to stretch backward toward her memories of the Betazoid woman.  She remembered her name - Tilane - but not her face. She was sure Tilane had been both beautiful and kind, even though she could only recall - with incomplete clarity - a single night of them sitting in silence beneath the stars, opening their feelings to one another.  She remembered being scared, overwhelmed... and then Dax inevitably interrupted her, forcing her to relive the precise moment of their Joining, offering its own collection of memories instead of the private one she longed for.

Nearly hyperventilating, Ezri scooted back from the shrine, waving her hand in front of the stick of incense to excuse her labored breathing.  Ro leaned in and extinguished it with two fingers, clasping them tightly over the charred end.

"What's the matter?" Ro asked.

Ezri touched her hand to Dax, but did not acknowledge its incessant warbling.  She was the only one who could hear it, anyway,

"I was thinking I'd... like to contact your friend, to set up an appointment.  I'll use Starfleet channels; you don't need to worry about it."

While Ezri exhausted her professional connections and awaited a response, Kira and Ro kept careful eyes on other interplanetary channels.  After another week, Kira began sharing stories published about Ezri Dax's mysterious disappearance, and the high price placed on Dax's confiscation.  Ezri felt sicker with every word, every monetary credit added to the string at the end of the symbiont's name, and the only thing that calmed her stomach was an unexpected letter from Lenara.

It was not addressed to Ezri, personally, but was instead published on every communication platform used within the Trill system.  She signed her name and title to trials of Ezri's research, conducted by herself and Kahn as well as by other Joined friends of hers, who chose to preserve their anonymity.  Lenara's sudden surge into the public consciousness served as a distraction, lowering the price on Dax's head as Kahn's became more viable. Ibic may have wanted Dax destroyed, but now Kahn was seemingly available to poachers who merely wanted to Join, and who had been refused admission by the Commission.

Ezri hated to think Lenara was in danger, but as it turned out, Lenara and Kahn were equally careful.  They arrived on the station by the end of that week - after their works were published - under an alias and claiming asylum.

Kira was happy to grant it, greatly agitated by the Federation's wariness to protect Lenara, themselves.  She was a citizen of one of their planets, but she was not a Starfleet officer, and her cultural struggle did not seem to register to them as oppression; the Symbiosis Commission existed, by their own admission, within Federation caste parameters.  The treatment of symbionts was touted as ‘traditional,’ and an imbalance toward either party was largely ignored. Their minds would not change until Ezri could overturn the official position of the Symbiosis Commission, which she looked forward to doing.  And now, she would finally have Lenara's help.

Lenara came with stories from their homeworld, and professed herself to be the first in what she hoped would become a long line of Ezri’s supporters, who followed the example set by her exile, acting in solidarity.  If the Commission wanted to prevent the Disjoining of hosts, Lenara said bitterly, they would see a day in the not-so-far-off future where there were simply no symbionts left.

"I'm... so honored, that you would do that for me," Ezri said to her, embracing her the moment she cleared the security checkpoint on the docking ring.

Lenara was quiet and reserved, but eventually gave an answer.

"I wanted to be with you.  I couldn't bear to think about you doing this all alone."

There was even optimism beyond this: Lenara told Ezri about a new political movement, begun within the caves that housed the symbiosis pools.  Caretakers had become especially curious about the thoughts and feelings of the organisms they oversaw, and they began withholding symbionts from Joining until they could confirm their readiness and willingness.  Ezri was astonished; Trill of all backgrounds and affiliations were banding together to protect the symbionts, just as the Commission _claimed_ to support in theory, but never achieved in practice.  Ancient Trill humanoids regarded them as deities, but their treatment had since declined to the point of commodification.  

“Poaching is the only way to get a symbiont, these days,” Lenara remarked, somewhat sadly.

Feeling nauseous, Ezri shook her head and spoke quickly, shutting her eyes tight in fear of the atmosphere she had created.

“That’s the _last_ thing I wanted to do--”

Lenara held her arm in consolation, and apologized for the indelicacy of her phrasing.

“You didn’t do it,” Lenara assured.  “It’s a side effect, but you didn’t _do_ it.  Anyway, I haven’t heard of any successful poachings, unless you count Commissioner Diam, last year.”

“I don’t know what to think about him.  We never got the chance to meet. Which, um… makes me think it was intentional, yes.”

They stopped walking, with Lenara stepping in front of Ezri, turning to face her, and then fussing with the shoulders of her uniform, patting them once she was satisfied with their even appearance.  She made a quiet comment about Ezri being more accepting of this than Jadzia would have been.

“Well, you’ve impacted plenty of Trill you haven’t met,” Lenara added. “And soon, if we all Disjoin, there won’t be anything to _poach_ and Commissioner Ibic won’t have a Commission to _oversee_.”

“You’re talking about a strike,” Ezri concluded.

“It spread much faster than I’d expected.  But that just means you have a compelling theory.  And if I can set a better example by coming here, I’m all for it.”

"You did all of this for _me_?"

Reassuringly, Lenara squeezed her arm.

“I couldn’t let you put yourself in danger.  Not if I could be here to protect you.”

***

When she and Lenara began to sleep beside one another, Dax became especially communicative.  Of course, it liked to be pressed close to Kahn, and it relayed jumbled memories to Ezri at a rate she could barely register, let alone process.  She was reminded of Torias and Nilani's all-too-brief association, but there was an additional layer beneath it. Dax showed its memories specifically of Kahn, curling protectively around it while they grew and matured in the symbiosis pool.  Ezri acknowledged this and tried to think about her first partner, the Betazoid, instead.

She met with Counselor Troi two times in the span of three days; their sessions were long and exhausting.  Ezri appreciated the gentility with which Deanna framed her questions, how she seemed to nudge her patient toward confidence in their own decision.  She was aware of the tactic, but found it more enjoyable - from the perspective of the subject - than she expected.

"It seems to me like you've become accustomed to reconciling your feelings," Deanna said, at the end of their second meeting.  "I think that's very responsible of you, to keep yours and Dax's separate, and then to balance them."

Ezri nodded, folding her hands together and setting them in her lap, the image of a dutiful patient.

"I decided on that fairly early," Ezri replied.  "That I would treat it like a friend, giving me advice, not like... a deity or a controller."

"Do some Trill humanoids view symbionts that way?  Forgive me, I'm not as familiar as I'd like to be with your culture; you're my first Trill patient."

"Oh, definitely," Ezri said, leaning forward in her seat, as if telling a secret.  "It terrifies me, the way we teach our children about them. I just... hate to think that there are some of us out there, of either subspecies, being walked all over by the other partner."

"I see.  And how would you teach your daughter, in contrast to the way your parents taught you?"

Ezri sighed and furrowed her lips.

"That's the thing," she said, embarrassed.  "It used to be much easier, but right now I'm having a hard time remembering who I was _before_ Dax and I Joined.  But I need to remember, before we separate."

Deanna's response was a studious nod, and a note made on her padd beneath cover of her non-dominant hand, so Ezri had no chance of reading the screen nor seeing which keys Deanna had pressed.  Confidentiality worked both ways in these appointments, Ezri knew that well enough.

"You mentioned that you lived on Cardassia," Deanna went on, as she reviewed her notes from yesterday's session.  "Did you ever try any of their eidetic memory techniques?"

"No.  I wanted to see, um...  someone like _you_ , first.  I just didn't know it, at the time."

"Well, I don't think you need any of my help with articulating your feelings.  What about a Vulcan?"

"A Vulcan?"

"Yes, if you're trying to make sense of your memories.  I can put you in touch with the Vulcan liaison to the Federation Medical Academy... maybe he would be able to help you with this particular aspect."

"There's a Vulcan nurse serving on the station," Ezri said, trying to sound helpful and optimistic, rather than reluctant to continue contacting Starfleet about her research.  

"I think that's an excellent idea."

***

Kira came to pray with her, before her scheduled meeting with Nurse T'hir.  Ezri was in the remodeled Replimat with Lenara, sharing breakfast, when Kira arrived at the head of a group of security officers; they followed her everywhere.  When she sat down at the table, she was able to dismiss the detail, who broke off into smaller groups and began wandering the restaurant's perimeter, instead.

Ezri preferred the tone of the nights she and Jadzia had both shared with Kira, commiserating and finding new hope together as the room emptied around them; it was much more familiar than a crowded breakfast.  Purely out of habit, she began to order a raktajino from the table's computer terminal, but she stopped herself before pressing ‘send.’

"Why _did_ you go into the religious sect?" Ezri asked, hoping to sound casual.  

"I wasn't ready to lose Captain Sisko's guidance," Kira answered, right away.  "I tried for a few years, you know that, but it didn't feel right to be on my own.  I was willing to keep trying, but _then_ we started getting Bajorans coming here on a pilgrimage.  They wanted to see the Home of the Emissary."

"I remember Julian talking about that," Ezri said, while Lenara continued quietly eating her breakfast.

"That was fine," Kira went on.  "I didn't mind having visitors. It was just... some of them started arguing about the Emissary's teaching, as if I wasn't right above them in his office, _welcoming_ them in to pray.  I didn't have any authority on it unless I joined an Order."

"You joined so you'd have something to fight for," Ezri mused, keeping her voice kind.

This earned a single, incredulous laugh from Kira.

"I guess so, _Counselor,_ " she replied.  "But can you believe that?  No one wanted to take my word for it, even though I served with him for _years_ .  I'm still learning how to... do all of this _correctly_ , but even the hat helps me make a better first impression."

Ezri felt this way about Dax, how they essentially performed tasks _together_ , but how it was still rendered a symbol of status, and how her attempts to voice its opinions were not considered with any meaningful weight.

"And it lets you stay in touch with Captain Sisko," Ezri added.

"Not as often as I'd like.  But yes."

Kira cupped her hand around Ezri's right ear, tapping the back of it in search of inspiration.  

"Are you nervous about the mind-meld?" Kira asked.

Ezri shrugged, rolling her head to each side as she considered the outcomes.

"All I can do is try it, right?"

With a warm, hesitant smile, Kira nodded, and then led them in a prayer, asking the Prophets for their intervention.

"If T'hir isn't able to help you, I hope Sisko will," she said, in closing.  

"Well," Ezri muttered, "I think he'd go find Jake... or Kasidy and Jenny... before he'd find _me_."

Kira swallowed harshly, and shook her head.

"No.  He is of Bajor, and you're under Bajor's protection," she admitted.  "All of your family is. I don't know _when_ , but I'm _sure_ he'll come to help you."

Lenara expressed gratitude for both of them, as Kira returned to her daily tasks and Ezri prepared to see the Vulcan nurse.  She deposited both of their breakfast trays in the reclamator, and walked toward the Infirmary looking unsure of herself; Julian would not be there to greet her.

T'hir was not someone Julian had spent much time with - they supervised opposing shifts - and Ezri did not know what to expect from him, beyond standard Vulcan behavior.  

He made it clear, as he met them in the doorway, that mind melds were not typically administered as medical treatment.  With that established, he led both of the women into a secluded corner of the Infirmary, where he helped Ezri to sit behind the privacy of a curtain, asking if she was ready before aligning his hand over her face.  

She vocalized a 'yes' while Lenara held onto her arm, and then T'hir pressed his thumb sharply beneath her eye, digging into her cheek-bone.  There was silence, and Ezri assumed the meld had not been effective.

"I'm... not sure a Joined Trill has ever done this," she said.

"Hmm," T'hir replied, certainly not allowing himself to sigh with any hint of disappointment.  Immediately, he thought to amend the procedure, asking, "may I make contact with the Joined organism?"

"The symbiont?  Sure. Here."

Ezri directed his hand.  With his left resting over her collar-bone and his right still drilling into her cheek, he began to lead her through an assortment of memories.  While some were clearly her own, others could have belonged to any young Trill. When she began to express this disappointment outwardly, T'hir dropped his hands from their positions.

She thanked T'hir for his attempts, and he nodded once in acknowledgement, as Ezri and Lenara made their way out of the partitioned area.

There were too many thoughts, now.  Ezri had no hope of making sense of them, based on the sheer quantity.  Her breathing quickened as she tried, subconsciously, to make sense of the simpler ones - she had no memories of being a young boy, for example, and discarded these as byproducts of Dax's male hosts.  But then she tripped and stumbled and Lenara had to rush in to catch her.

"I don't understand any of it," Ezri mumbled, as Lenara brought her back to their cabin to rest.  "It's like _all of these_ are my memories, now, but I don't _want them_.  I want to be able to separate, and still have an identity."

"Why don't I send a bioscan to Julian," Lenara suggested, gathering a tricorder to take a record of Ezri's symptoms.

Ezri shrugged and relented, laying flat on the bed until Lenara's scans were through.  Lenara typed an additional message before sending the transmission, musing to herself as she wrote.

"You'll have an identity after separating from Julian," she said.

"That's different.  He and I talked about it for years.  Almost since right after we got married."

"You and Dax have had time to discuss your terms, too, hmm?" she said, ending with a trilled flourish, the vocal equivalent of a wink.

"Yes," Ezri admitted.

Lenara sat down beside her on the bed, having finished with the tricorder and returned it to its place on the wall-unit.

"I know Dax _very_ well," Lenara assured.  "You're more than it is.  I don't think you have to worry about it erasing you."

Groaning, Ezri could not find the strength to disagree.

***

It took Ezri nearly two days to regain her strength.  Lenara fell eagerly into the role of her caretaker, leaving only once to stop by the Infirmary, where Julian had sent instructions to synthesize a blocker for Dax's tranexamic acid production.  She brought the medication to Ezri along with a glass of water and a summary of the note Julian attached; he wanted to schedule a visit, so he could ensure she was healthy, himself.

When Lenara sat down on the edge of the bed, Ezri scooted closer.  It felt as though they had shared this casual closeness for years already, and Ezri smiled to herself after she took her first dose of the medication.  Lenara had spent the previous day sitting at Ezri's side, reassuringly rubbing her arm and sharing accounts from the Trill Underground.

"Does this feel... familiar, to you?" Ezri asked.

"To Kahn, it does," Lenara replied, with a sense of confidence Ezri envied.  It used to occur to her more readily.

"Mmm," Ezri mumbled.  "Dax hasn't had a family in a _long_ time, though."

"What about--"

"Julian and Rali?  I love them," Ezri replied, automatically.  "But I'm trying to be _your_ family."

"Would it help to have both of them here with us?" Lenara asked.

"I _want to be with you_.  I'm trying to... remember what it was like, when I went on that half-a-date with Tilane... and then Dax is trying to remember how Torias proposed to Nilani when they ran away together, and how Jadzia felt the first time she saw you step off that ship.  I care about you."

"I care about you, too," Lenara's voice was quiet, but sincere.  

"I mean, _I_ want to care about _you_.  I want to get to know you _without Dax_.  And without Kahn."

"Soon," Lenara said, leaning in to kiss Ezri's forehead.

Ezri seemed to shrivel, tightening her shoulders and crossing her arms over her chest, resting them atop her folded legs.  Her voice was was almost scared to come out of its hiding place.

"But what if I don't?"

"Then, that's... another risk we can take together," Lenara said.

Ezri held her head in her hands and sighed.

"I mean, it's an _experiment_ ," Lenara went on.  "Right now, you have a solid hypothesis.  And if it doesn't work, then you and Dax can Rejoin, and you'll have all of its memories back.  But I'll tell you something: I think you're strong enough to do this. I think you're _perfect_ to do this."

"Because my body wasn't conditioned to Join in the first place," Ezri whimpered.

"No, more than that.  Because you're tenacious, and devoted, and sweet."

"Thanks."

"And Rali and Julian are _your_ family, not just Dax's, and I'm going to invite them up here."

Ezri saw no point in arguing, but she did choose to return to sleep while Lenara drafted the communique.

***

"There's really no need to be embarrassed," Julian assured her, when he walked aboard hand-in-hand with Rali, a week later.  "But how are you doing, otherwise?"

Admittedly, Ezri was surprised he did not already have a tricorder out, hovering against her chest, but his hands were full at the moment.  She walked alongside him to the single occupancy cabin Kira had set aside for him, near a turbolift for easy access to the Infirmary.

"Me?" Ezri asked, pointedly gesturing above the standard indication on her chest, to show she did not mean Dax.  "I'm embarrassed because I don't know what's important to _me,_ anymore."

"Because you've done _such_ an outstanding job counseling Dax," Julian said.  "But what have _you_ found out about yourself, Ezri Tigan?"

Shrugging, Ezri took Julian's free hand and held it up to the scanner on the door, admitting them to the cabin.

"I dated a Betazoid woman when I lived on New Sydney."

"Oh, that's nice."

"That's... about all I remember, so far.  And I think that's only because the counselor I saw is half-Betazoid."

Julian stepped into the room, shrugging off his shoulder bag and then scooping up Rali, instead.  

"Do you want to command the lights 'on,' darling?" he asked her, waiting a moment for her to meet his eyes.

Rali did not give a verbal response, but patted her father's shoulder, declining the option to whisper against his ear.

"No?" Julian continued.  "That's alright, I'll put them on, and you'll put them off before bedtime."

This earned a nod from Rali, and Julian set her down after showing her how to address the computer, and finally turning on the cabin lights.

"Unless, of course, you wanted her to move into your cabin," Julian turned to Ezri, as Rali began to explore the space around them.

"I don't know yet, I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it, tonight.  Although I imagine she'll be excited to see, um..." to remain above Rali's suspicions, he gave his best attempts at pronouncing the names in Klingon letters, so only Ezri would understand, " _Kira and Lenara_."

"You mean you got her on the shuttle without using them as bribes?"

"Believe it or not, yes.  She wanted to see _you_."

"You mean Dax."

"No, I don't.  She's _your_ daughter; Dax just kept her company for a few months," Julian explained, with an amiable shrug.

Focusing, Ezri tried to reach for her own memories of the pregnancy, dismissing Dax's recollections of Jadzia, half-finished and tragic.  Her feelings were not amendments to that; they were her own. She clearly recalled wanting her own family to rely on, her own network - enhanced by Dax but ultimately independent from it.  She told herself that at least _some_ of that love and compassion would remain, even when Dax had gone.

"Rali?" she called softly, stooping down to the girl's level.  

Rali was not often interested in speaking, but she was a keen listener.  Ezri knew better than to confuse her reluctance with disinterest in the world around her.  And so, to Rali's apparent delight, Ezri promised they could go to visit her Aunt Kira the following day, and talk to Dax and _Lenara_ the following night.  Rali had not yet met the Kahn symbiont, and Ezri was curious to see her reaction to the surprise.

"Lights off," Rali said, balling her hands into happy fists and holding them at her sides.

Ezri could hear Julian chuckling at the other side of the room, where he had gone to adjust the settings on his cot.  The room was dark, now, and he flipped open his tricorder to complete the task without undoing Rali's hard-won handiwork.

"I think that's the best outcome we could've hoped for," Julian said.  "Getting tonight over with so tomorrow can start, already."

Feeling more content and independent than she had when they first arrived, Ezri said goodnight to them, and then returned home to Lenara.

***

The following morning, after Ezri had taken time to herself in order to pray with Kira and Ro, she went to retrieve her daughter from Julian's cabin.  With a gleeful expression and clumsily grasping fingers, Rali reached to touch Dax when Ezri picked her up, and she used her hands to speak to it for the duration of the walk to Ezri and Lenara's shared, temporary home.  

A day rarely passed without Lenara being sent new reading material from her contacts on Trill.  When Ezri came in with Rali in tow, Lenara was finishing the account of another woman, one of their shared taya, who had chosen to place herself into exile.  Her mood was already heightened, encouraged, when she turned around to see the others entering the room.

Rali's mouth fell open when Lenara turned to look at her, and it remained that way when Lenara stood and closed the gap between them.  

"We remember Lenara from the videocomms, don't we?" Ezri prompted.

Staying silent, Rali nodded, then reached to touch the spots on the side of Lenara's face.

"I'm sorry," Ezri said, "Rali, _ask_."

Rali withdrew her hand but did not ask any questions.  Lenara grinned, accepted her apology, and offered to introduce her to Kahn.

"Yeah!" Rali chirped, when Lenara cupped her hand over Rali's over the symbiont.  

Muffled somewhat by Lenara's supervisory grip, Rali tapped her fingers one at a time, repeating the pattern several times.

"Yeah?" Lenara echoed, smiling.

"Yeah."

With her other hand, Rali gestured for her mother to join them, and once Ezri was standing close enough, she mirrored the same touches over Dax.

"If that doesn't just confirm it," Lenara said, fondly.

Ezri pursed her lips.

"You think so?" she asked.

"Rali does."

"Rali does," Ezri repeated.  

Satisfied with the realization the upcoming generation of Trill would treat symbionts differently, Ezri began to feel more confident.

Otherwise, even with the new medication, she sometimes struggled to breathe.  Dax allowed her increasingly deep access to her memories, but at the cost of the strength in her legs and the walls of her lungs.

Julian's contract with the Bajoran Militia afforded him access to the Infirmary, and he returned to work in his own little corner, stashing the symbiosis Vault safely in the ground beneath his former desk.  The enclosure could be reset to its original specifications without anything more than Julian's security code - a fact he reminded Ezri of every time he saw her.

After Rali and Lenara had met, Ezri admitted herself to the Infirmary, allowing Julian to fuss over her pleural cavity with all manner of reparative devices.  He tutted his tongue and asked if she had spoken to Dax recently.  She said no.

"But soon it won't be there for me to talk to," she said.  "So you're... partially right."

"Well, if that's the hand you want to play as its counselor," Julian replied.  "But as _your_ doctor, I have to insist you set a date for the separation.  The neutralizing medication is only a temporary stopgap, and I'm _certain_ you can get your thoughts in order; I've complete faith in you." 

Ezri made a vaguely affirmative sound, somewhere between thanking him and trying to deter further diagnoses.  By now, Julian knew her well enough to take the cue as it was intended.

"I see the Federation hasn't dispatched a new resident doctor, yet," he observed, turning away from Ezri's bedside and putting down his scanner.  "Poor Nurse T'hir, I imagine he's been busy."

"Yeah..." Ezri said.  "I think I'm their highest ranking officer here, right now."

"And, strictly speaking, they don't know you _are_ here."

Julian cleaned his hands beneath a disinfectant ultraviolet light station, then folded them in front of himself and returned to Ezri's side.  

"Yeah," Ezri said again.  "Isn't that sad?  That the station used to be so important to them?"

"Sad?  No," Julian replied, without taking much time to think it over.  "It's served its purpose."

Ezri applied the thought to Dax, but it did not trouble her.  In fact, Dax relented, and began to show her small bursts from her past.  She could not make sense of them alone, and she frantically tugged at Julian's sleeve-cuff before the compulsion left her, as if taking a physical hold on something might keep the thoughts in place.

"What is it?" he asked, grappling for his scanner.

"It was there, I had it," she said.  "I don't understand it, but it's there.  Tigan."

His uniform also allowed him unquestioned admission to the temple, at any time of day or night.  So, he offered Ezri his arm and led here there, relieved to find Vedek Kira already inside.

As ever, Constable Ro was standing nearby, and cleared her throat loudly, pointedly at Julian when he entered the room.

"Sorry..." he mumbled.  "She, er, thought she remembered, and I'd thought maybe Sisko was--"

Kira stood, kindly deflecting Ro's attempts at intervention.

"I didn't see any medical reason for her to suddenly, umm-- so I thought maybe--" Julian went on, looking uncomfortable as long as Kira was silent.  It was something he understood with Rali, but was otherwise a deficiency he felt compelled to compensate for.

"That's alright," Kira said, taking turns to look at Julian and at Ro, who was eternally ready to spring forward on her behalf.

Julian brought his arms to his sides, then slowly positioned them behind his back, linking together his fingers.  

"I _was_ contacting him," Kira continued.  "He wanted to discuss Rali."

"Is he going to come back?" Ezri asked, a bit breathless.

Maintaining the same conviction she had since Ezri first returned to the station, Kira nodded.

"Not right away.  And he... I don't know how to explain without translating one of the ancient texts... but he isn't necessarily _coming back_ \- he's agreeing to grant you a Vision.  If he comes back, in a physical sense, he promises it will be for his children."

"What did he want to know about Rali?" Julian asked, intrigued.

"Nothing; he knows everything about her, already.  He wanted her to be here, before granting the Vision."

"Oh, of course," Julian said, looking prideful.

"He must know that I'll still care about her, even without Dax," Ezri said, leading herself toward understanding through trial and error.

To Ezri's surprise, Kira nodded at this first attempt.

"The Prophets know that same commitment, to their children," she explained.  

Julian had not studied the inhabitants of the wormhole in any great depth, beyond the occasional federation assignments that led him there, but now he remained quiet and respectful; this was another action dictated by his uniform.  At the very least, he would not dispute the presence of the beings inside it, nor their fascinating command of the passage of time. What Ezri knew, she had inherited from Jadzia and picked up from Julian, before beginning to pray more seriously among Kira and Ro and general congregation on Deep Space Nine.

With a hopeful gleam in her eyes, Ezri looked up, meeting Julian's eyes before turning to Kira.

"Do you know when this Vision will be?" she asked.

"All I can say is 'soon,'" Kira replied. "They don't experience time in the same way we do."

Ezri accepted this, and promised to be open, vigilant, and prepared for Sisko's presence.  Julian announced he would not be ' _too_ skeptical.'

***

For another week, she and Lenara received accounts from self-exiled Joined Trill, while Rali got to know Lenara and Kahn better through an eosin kit.  And, for another week, Julian fussed constantly with Ezri's prescription, modifying it until Dax's production of acid was rendered almost completely inert.  He was not satisfied to stop it completely, fearing the negative effects it might have on Dax, and he had to cautiously tread the line between Ezri's well-being and the timing of Sisko's visit.  Comparisons between this and his ordeal with Vedek Bareil were kept between himself and Ezri, as he promised to have her well enough for the Vision, but not necessarily for anything more.

"I'm going to trust - if he shows you yourself in your late 90s - that we _do_ manage to figure something else out," he playfully lamented, as he sat Ezri down for a routine conversation with Dax, to explain the procedure.  "But, otherwise, this is all I can think to do. I hope we don't need to use it."

Since there was only so much observation time he could spend on Ezri, he redirected his focus toward finding a cybernetic enhancement suitable for Dax.  At first application, his creation would absorb Dax's surplus tranexamic acid, but Julian expected it could be programmed to collect Dax's memories and keep both it and Ezri functionally alive, at least to a certain point.  Not beyond their recognition, though - he was adamant about that.

"One thing I'm not willing to do," he assured, pulling away Dax's finished print, "is change you beyond your capability to recall and give consent."

"That's how Dax defines sentience," Ezri said.

"Mmhmm.  Clear and concise."

They read the print together - Dax was aware of the possibility Julian would need to intervene before removing it, and it agreed to the terms - and then Julian dismissed Ezri from her role as his patient.  This allowed them to walk toward her cabin together, as friends.

"I'd like to take a few days on Cardassia, now that you're stable," he said.  "You're surrounded by _plenty_ of good people, all of whom I trust to call me the moment anything changes.  And, in that case, I can be back in a couple of hours."

"I wasn't going to argue," Ezri assured him, and they said their goodbyes outside her doorway.

***

While Julian was away, Ezri felt the emissary's presence.  She alerted Kira, first, then Julian, so he would have ample time to ready his shuttle in case he was needed. Of course, she had no idea how long the Vision would last, in practical time, but she wanted him aware, in case anything happened.

A blinding flash of amber light had appeared on the Promenade, tearing its way from the banners that hung over the wormhole's viewport all the way to the entrance of the temple.  Initially, Ezri was afraid of it, as she turned her head and did not see any reactions from the surrounding crowd. Her first thought was that she had imagined it, but then she caught sight of a blur of red on the upper floor, and saw Kira following the same trail.  Then, Kira caught up with her on the floor of the Promenade, and led her to the temple while she recorded her message for Julian.

Tapping at the communicator she wore beneath her outer robes, Kira called for Ro.

"We're at the temple," Kira said.  "Bring Rali."

"And Lenara," Ezri added.

"And Lenara," Ro confirmed, before Kira could do so.  "On my way; I'll bring them."

Kira brought Ezri to stand beside her, at the head of the Emissary's altar.  Over the years, it had accumulated idols of baseballs, all shapes and sizes, but Kira removed the real one from a locked compartment and offered it forward in both hands, to appease the dancing beam of light.  

Ezri's eyes were transfixed; she barely registered the doors opening behind her to admit Rali, Lenara, and Ro.  All she saw was the amber beam, as it morphed into the outline of her captain, her friend across three lifetimes, Benjamin Sisko.

Rali gravitated to Kira's side, staying quiet and still, enhancing Kira's regal demeanor, as she bowed her head and then set aside her hat.  Watching them, Ezri felt a great burst of warmth in her chest - not just from Dax, but from her heart, beneath it. But she was still able to see, to listen, and to breathe, so she did not ask for help.  No, she did not ask for anything, except Sisko.

"Benjamin?" she pleaded.

"Ezri Tigan," he replied, " _Dax_.  My old friend."

She prepared to sit down beside Kira, but Sisko held out his hand.  Ezri froze, then ultimately decided to take it.

The connection was transcendent; she felt, at the same time, as if he was meeting her for the first time on Earth, and as if she was beside him on her deathbed.  Without leaving the dark room, all of them were transported into a different place, shrouded in an ever-changing beam of bluish light. It was humid and warm, and when Ezri squinted, she could see a pool dug into the ground in between them - the group of them sat in a circle around it, with Sisko directly across from her.  She turned to her side to see Lenara, but her position kept changing. Only Sisko's remained constant.

" _Before_ , on Earth," he said, "you wanted me to tell you who you were _as Dax_."

With a grand swoop of his arm, he directed Ezri's attention to the pool, where she noticed a Trill symbiont swimming in lazy circles.  She assumed it was Dax. Her first instinct was to touch it, but Sisko caught her hand.

"But here, there is no _before_ ," he reminded her.

She sat still, and stayed quiet, nodding as the whole scene seemed to spin around her.  She felt excitement, dizziness, fear, _love_... all of that, and her vision was blurred by the intensity of the light; she could not see Sisko's face well enough to discern his expression.  All of the emphasis came from his voice.

"You are the same _now_ ," he went on.  "It feeds on _pieces_ of you."

She was vaguely aware of her own position changing, and when she turned her head to either side, she saw her past hosts inhabiting the bodies of her friends and family, the individuals who had come into this with her, to offer her support.  Even though she had never seen Leela in the flesh, she was sure this was who stood beside her. The other past hosts took turns occupying the same space, until she had exchanged silent greetings with all eight of them.

"Do you see it?" he asked, in a powerful, booming voice.

Ezri saw a _lot_ of things.  After Dax's previous hosts had vanished, she saw herself as a baby, then a young child, then a teenager.  She saw herself arguing with the silhouette of her mother, she saw herself in a cadet's uniform boarding a shuttle to Earth.  Then Sisko was on Earth trying to rationalize with her, and she was agreeing to go on a journey with him. Somehow, it all felt the same...

...so she nodded.  She saw.

The passage of time was meaningless.  She was reminded of the same feelings regardless of the memories she was shown.  When they began to shift into the prospective future, Ezri did not feel unnerved.

"You are opinionated, you are fair, you are _gentle_ ," Sisko emphasized.

When she looked down again, the symbiont had become still.  She could see herself in the pool's reflection, on a table under anesthesia, but the swimming symbiont obscured her view of her abdomen.  She had reason to believe, however, that she maintained the same qualities both before and after her association with Dax; it did not matter if she was viewing her Joining or her Disjoining.

Lenara was beside her again, and Lenara was also in front of her.  There were two symbionts in the pool, together - Dax and Kahn - and she and Lenara stood up in a courtroom in front of thousands, reading the speckled prints their symbionts had created in order to speak their own minds.  Then there was an apology from a Starfleet delegation, a swearing-in ceremony, and her collar pips being adjusted to denote the rank of Captain. Kezil Ibic was Disjoined, and Ezri took care of her while she recovered, before taking over her former position.  Ezri moved between the pulpit in the courtroom, a lecture hall beside Julian, a _hospital_ beside Julian...  The words were unintelligible, and all her ears registered was buzzing, like the kind Dax made when it was particularly active.

"Slow down," she implored, reaching for Sisko's arm.  "I don't know what any of this means."

Before she could touch him, he obliged, and she began to hear broken bits of conversation, at a more tolerable speed.  

"--for her postgraduate research," Julian was saying, "isn't that _phenomenal_?"

He held what appeared to be a third symbiont in his hands, but it was stationary, and it was articulated into three sections.  She realized it was not _naturally_ alive, but cybernetic.

"--in order to maintain Joining standards," Lenara continued, while Ezri nodded to indicate understanding of a conversation she had not actively taken part in.  "Dax and Kahn are spearheading the initiative with their scheduled prints tomorrow, I imagine. That's all they've been talking about. As acting head of the provisional Council, I thought you would want to be there for--"

Ezri _was_ there, the next instant.  She was kneeling at the mouth of the pool, taking down Dax's speech with red dye.  Even though they were not Joined, she felt a connection to it, an understanding and a confidence the two fed to one another in equal amounts.

She spoke on its behalf from the podium in the same courtroom, she oversaw the Joining of the cybernetic symbiont with Julian, and then she returned to the pool and knelt as if to pray.  For the first time since Sisko spoke, she was reminded of Kira's steadfast presence alongside her.

Kira gestured to show her Lenara and Rali, who were sitting, awestruck, off to one side of the pool.  They wore clothing similar to Kira's religious garb, but instead of intricate Bajoran embroidery, they were outlined by thick, printed Trill spots.  Rali wore a stole, sewn with alternating bars of red and teal, quilting together pieces from each of her parents' uniforms.

Rali knelt in Sisko's place, as a grown woman.  When Ezri saw herself, her hair was short and white, and Lenara walked beside her with the aid of a thin metal cane.

In her hands - steady and careful - Rali scooped up a clutch containing dozens of young symbionts, still in the process of separating from one another.  She was teaching them their language, gently immersing the tips of their tails in a glass of diluted eosin dye.

"Have you thought about which one you might prefer?" Lenara was asking, leaning over Rali.

Caught in surprise, but reacting warmly to Lenara's touch, Rali glanced over her shoulder, and returned the tangle of symbionts to the water they lived in.

"You can't have all of them," Ezri added, softly.  "At least not all at once."

Ezri understood instinctively that these young symbionts were Kahn and Dax's progeny, a new development in their constantly overlapping lines.  They would go on to impact infinite lifetimes.

Rali began to answer - not with words, but by drawing a line of the red dye over the back of her hand, still dripping with water - and then the scene changed.

"Minem!" a voice said, one which Ezri did not recognize.

Kahn and Dax were in the pool, again, alone.  Their colors had altered, _deepened_ , and Ezri guessed this was the peak of their youth, before they had ever Joined at all.  She could not tell them apart, no matter how close she leaned in over the water.

"Minem!" the voice repeated, "you're _late_!  It doesn't need to be perfect, _come on_!"

A small, rosy-cheeked woman joined Ezri beside the water.  This was Minem Vestra, moments before she would become Minem Kahn.  She stroked each of the symbionts with one finger, fleshy and soft, and she whispered to them in a language Ezri could not understand.  Trill had certainly evolved over time, as any language did, but this was more melodic than the chittering she had a basic familiarity with.

After a moment, Minem picked Kahn up, gradually allowed the water to drain from the gaps between her fingers, and then coddled Kahn close to her neck.  Ezri watched the symbiont move in its own sluggish way, curling its tail and catching in place. With the task seemingly complete, Minem turned to depart, calling out over her shoulder.

"Don't you go anywhere, Dax.  we'll be back for you."

Out of the adopted habit, Ezri pointed to herself, turning her mouth into a questioning pout, but the woman had already vanished from the scene.  Then, in a flash, she was back.

When Ezri saw Minem again, she was clearly several years older, and Kahn was no longer visible near her shoulder.  Leaning over, Minem poked one finger into the water to touch Dax. She collected it in the same way, only to bring it to another woman - Leela.

"I'm sorry it's taken so long, my special one," she said, with Ezri understanding her, this time.  "None of them were right for you. They want the Joinings to be permanent, now, you know. No more of this around-the-neck business.  I had to make _sure_."

From Leela's operating table, Ezri awoke as herself, then again as Lenara, then again as Julian, then again as Rali.  She saw through so many perspectives, all in shockingly quick succession.

"What's its name?" Ezri asked, feeling dizzy and satisfied, like she was stepping off of a transporter pad.

"Taya, Version One," Julian responded.

"Elim," Rali said, at the same time.

"It can't call itself _that_ ," Ezri retorted, in a playful voice.  Her hair was white again, and Lenara was standing next to her, gently clipping a piece of jewelry to each of her ears.

" _I_ call it that," Rali insisted.

"Well, that's my name for it," Julian said, "until it thinks of one for itself.  At the rate it's developing that might be... before the year is out, I'd say."

Ezri carried on two different conversations, at two different ages and in two different places, but everything felt the same.

"I can, and I will!" she heard herself, as a teenager, yelling back to her own mother.

"But _Starfleet_?" her mother demanded.  "You'll never have the chance to Join."

Ezri shook her head.

"Good," Ezri said, gently, to Rali.  "But you'll let it decide for itself, won't you?"

Rali curled her lips in tightly, and nodded in affirmation.  To further explain herself, she removed a vial of dye from her belt, and rubbed a drop of it into her skin, reaching beneath her tunic with her hand, then again with a blank sheet of canvas to take an imprint of the message.

"Your name comes from your spots," Ezri said, to a much younger Rali, sitting in her lap and blushing, hiding her face in Ezri's shoulder.

Rali held up the finished print, tracing the drying pattern with her fingers, leaving the task of reading it aloud to Ezri.

"Vestra," she said.  "Yes, for its taya, I see that... but that's going to make the historical accounts a bit confusing."

"Uncle Dax," Rali shrugged.  "He's nice."

She was referring to the Klingon man who was named in tribute to her mother's symbiont, and Ezri understood this even without context.

"It's a love story," Lenara said, from behind her.  "The longer and more convoluted, the better."

Then it was Sisko who tapped her shoulder, not Lenara.  He set his hand down on it slowly, curving his fingers one at a time, drumming out a slow, stable rhythm.

"Tell me, Ezri," he spoke quietly, but with the same ever-present authority.  "Tell me who you are. Look at all of these lives you've touched, and _tell me_."

Ezri did not know where to begin.  All of the lives in question appeared to her simultaneously, feeling as rich and as personal as her very own.  Dax felt _heavy_.

"I... care..." she said, breathing deeply.

"Captain Tigan," he said, "Head of the Council for Mutual Symbiosis.  You _do_."

"Sisko of Bajor, Emissary of the Prophets--" Kira's voice was saying.

The flickering blue vanished, the Trill pool was replaced with ceremonial prayer rugs, and all of the memories crumbled inside Ezri's mind, settling comfortably within her reach for her to rifle through later, as the time came for each one.

She felt a deep, steadying sense of tranquility when Lenara knelt to embrace her.

"Did you... did you see it?" Ezri asked, in a soft voice.  "The whole vision?"

"I did," Lenara replied.  "At least I think I saw all of it.  You'll have to tell me what you learned, and--"

"I care," Ezri repeated.  "And if I'm too opinionated, it's because I'm concerned.  When I'm scared, I'm _worrying_ , and when I'm fighting for someone else... it's because they can't speak up for themselves."

Firmly, Lenara nodded.

"I can do this," Ezri said.  "We're gonna do this."

She collapsed, then and there, but she did not feel any pain.

***

Julian made it back from Cardassia only an hour after Ezri had lost consciousness in the temple.  She was in stable condition in the Infirmary when they were reunited, and he woke her - gently, with the aid of the anesthesiologist - to gain her consent to finally perform the separation.

But she did not speak, nor did she nod or squeeze his hand as he directed, in order to indicate understanding.  Reluctant to wake her any further, Julian gathered his implements and began. When he was finished, he rightfully claimed - as soon as Ezri awoke on her own - that this had been the simplest Disjoining he had ever conducted.

Still, it took her longer than usual to vocalize a response.

"...How?" she asked.

"Dax took care of the worst of it for me," Julian said, casually.  "As soon as I made the incision, I could see it had already separated from the symbiotic nerve.  I was trying to ask _you_ , but of _course_ you didn’t know what to tell me, because it was already done.”

"You mean, it just, um...?  Is it okay?"

Julian produced the symbiont from a basin beside Ezri’s biobed, cupping it carefully in his hands and placing the tiniest of kisses at its head.  Her vision was still cloudy with sleep, but Ezri was vaguely aware of the symbiont glowing, and its tail rippled as Julian went on to praise it:

“It did a wonderful job, and I’ve let it know how grateful you and I are for everything it’s done.  But it’s going to need some time to rest, after all that, and _so will you_.”

“Doctor…” Ezri said, still catching up, “why is it--?”

"Oh, it’s a stubborn little fellow,” Julian said.  “It wanted to separate from you, so it did. It knew you were ready."

***

The following year, Ezri expressed the same sentiment to an enraptured audience.  

The crowd gathered in the underground caves on the Trill homeworld - the caves they had taken the name of their political movement from, the caves which housed the symbiosis pools.  Over a hundred individuals - primarily Unjoined - came together to smuggle Ezri and her family back to Trill, where her testimony desperately needed to be heard.

Without a sizable amount of Joined Trill remaining on the planet, and without the caretakers approving any of the new symbionts for their first Joinings, the Commission had seen a sharp decline in its usefulness, and an unprecedented narrowing of its jurisdiction.  The Underground's final objective was to get a confession, in eosin, from the Ibic symbiont, as they ran on the theory that it and its host, Kezil, were not acting in mutual interest.

"They've both heard us," Ezri said, "Kezil and Ibic, you've _made them_ hear us.  When Ibic is ready - when it's had enough of Kezil stifling its voice - _it will separate_."

Support for this statement came in the form of a quiet rumble, as the gathered youth and caretakers shuffled their feet, treading in place on the thick stone floor.  The movement was sufficient for the symbionts to experience, too, in the ripples that broke along the shores of their pools.

"And when it does," Ezri Tigan went on, touched and encouraged, " _we_ will be the voices of the Commission.  The Federation will realize their mistake, and we will rebuild... and I say 'rebuild' because this respect _did_ exist, before.  We will compile the stories of all the oldest symbionts, and we will return to treating each other as equals.  We will return to the days our symbionts wrote messages on our skin, and Joined with us on a more temporary basis - at times we could help each other.  That's what we're going to rebuild, all of us."

There were cheers of her Unjoined name, and when Lenara came to stand beside her, toting Rali in one arm and holding the handle to Dax and Kahn's shared Vault in the other, Ezri believed in herself.

And she realized she always had; Dax had neither given this, nor taken it away.


End file.
